Day 21 of NaNoWriMo

 

Once Upon a Time, I relied on readers and the thoughts and suggestions of other people, mostly friends who were writers, when I was working a first draft or even on the second one. That is a situation that is now time long past. Because in truth, I don't rely or focus on what other people have to say about me or my work or my life in any way. I can't really pinpoint the moment of this change but I know it was over fifteen years ago, and to be honest, I pretty much had this opinion all along because even as a little girl, I valued myself, my interests, and even when hurt or bullied, I worked to survive and let go. Some people can never let go.

This is not to say, I won't seek advice or help before this novel is finished. I will. It's just not the typical help I once needed. 

We all go through life, trying to live and love and maybe even be happy, and I notice that many people really care too much what other people think of them. I see it now on social media. I see it  in my own life when I talk to others, this need to be liked and valued. I think it's perfectly natural up until a point. I love this quote by Nietzsche. It used to hang on my wall in my study long ago as a young girl. "When did a dragon ever die from the poison of a snake?" The answer is never. It's not really popular now because it's not popular to be uncomfortable or to experience, self-conceived or not, microaggressions, discomforting opinions from others, and so forth. I think there are reasons for this. We are living in a time when people are wanting to be coddled or not even exposed to difficulties. 

Past pains, Childhood traumas, Surviving racism, or poverty, or violence, The pressures of modernity, The fear of fascism, wars, and Climate Adaptation — all these things are weighing us down.  

But being uncomfortable is how you learn to deal and survive. 

REPEAT THAT.

Being coddled will not spare you the realities of life. Money will not even save you. The world does not work like that, this need to make everyone equal is a utopian dream. I like it. We all dream of this. To make everyone equal under the same law would be a better way of thinking and I believe we are trying to do that. But there are many laws and many cultures and many differences. And it takes time. And we are not all born equal. One person can be a ballet dancer and one can play basketball. One can paint. One can play the piano. One can make cars. One can build houses. To be able to pursue any of these goals is lucky. Predicament. But it is not a guarantee that can be made by governments or even science. It's really not even human nature. And psychologically, it's harmful to believe that you can protect yourself from the pains and traumas of world or that you can somehow make them disappear by just renaming them or how you treat them. You can't. To believe that is believe in a lie. We are only equal in that we are all human beings and we deserve fairness and the right to liberty and the possibility of happiness. We deserve opportunity.

Do I promote kindness? I do. Always err on the side of kindness, but nature is not kind and people are part of nature. I learned long ago, under extreme trauma that Dragons don't die from snake bites. And I learned that we are all dragons in this savage Eden.

At some point in writing a long novel, (or any long creative action) one will begin to face all sorts of demons and doubts. There will be failures and wrong choices and even self loathing. Some days we are blocked. Instead of writing, we do other things or we plot again or whatever.  Some days we can't write because there are other demands that can't be set aside. A creative work, a work in progress, is always going to make strange demands on the creative and that is going to produce anxiety, and maybe even absolute fear that the work is just crap. And that leads to chaos and believe me, chaos is the enemy of sanity.

So when we work, we must remind ourselves that we will be uncomfortable at many points in the act of creating a big project. We will be very uncomfortable at times. Not working is so much safer, but it is not the right choice for a creative. To not live your life in pursuit of something you are able to attain, with reason and goodness, ultimately leads to depression. There are so many things that we will do to try and save ourselves from doubts, fears, and eventually chaos.

But the only true way out of chaos is to take action by making order, making meaning, and doing the work. Moving forward. Letting go. Some days you are going to hate your work. Or maybe yourself. But it will pass if you stay with the project.

I believe that life is somewhat of a mystery and not all of it is nice. And there is a lot of misery in this world because nature is imperfect and we are all imperfect creatures. The most any of us can do is to teach love and tolerance. To practice it. To be kind.

And if we are creatives, to do our art, regardless.

NaNoWriMo Day 21: 33,029 words. About 135 pages. Over 1/4 of my draft has been written and over half of the 50,000 words, which I might not get.