Crazy Janie is writing a big novel.

 

Last night, as I finished organizing the last of my papers so I can finally keep up with all my writings, notebooks, poems, sbort stories, letters, and so forth, I realized, with this terrible sinking feeling, because I am no longer in my teens, 20s, 30s, even 40s, etc. that I cannot do it all. One of my sons asked me to write out what I still needed to do while writing forward on the novel. I made a list. And then we all laughed. So, let me be very clear, the novel I am writing now, this version is settled.

I don't want to rehash the medical and mental side of why this novel is so challenging but I do have a vision challenge and this novel is beyond my skill set, so to speak. My doctor even used AI to specifically choose a page background color (custom greenish gray) in Word to use where I would have less eye strain. The fact that I wrote all my notes and novel in cursive has not helped. We are all laughing again. It hurts to write here. My eye is very light sensitive.

I cannot do it all.

I know I cannot do it all.

I need help.

I need to read less. I need to be on social media less.

I chose the image of Crazy Jane by Richard Dadd for several reasons. I am a big fan of Dadd, 19th century mental health is part of my novel's geography, and I feel a bit crazy at the moment. It may be crazy to a degree in writing this novel. I often feel it is. It is all outside my normal skill set. I have had to educate myself to attempt it. I've been failing at many things my entire life. I will always have more failures than successes. But I could just retire completely and do nothing. 

I can quit gardening. I can give up painting. I can read less, a lot less. I don't need TV or films. But I don't believe I can give up walking or writing. I will die doing both, even facing going blind.

P.S. Edited on the 6th. I am still reading, but I have absolutely no schedule anymore. I can put a book down and not even come back to it. The same goes for social media. I just let myself off the mental, self-imposed ritual of both. I do believe I was ready for this, that this disdain for having something to say online is about what I know as reality. I never was a content provider. I just played, and play is what I want to do. I want to play at everything really. Time is running out.