This is the end of February.
I had an unusual winter. No depression. (I got off pills. I was happy. I was not ill.) And I stayed active. Good thing, because I have gained ten pounds since last August and I have to lose that weight plus ten more pounds from previous winter. Laughing. But I am all right. Sure, I am frustrated and unhappy with my body but I still love myself. However, this is way too much weight for someone as short and small as I am. I have learned this the hard way, and I don't want my weight to go any higher. I guess I just ate my anxieties in 2019. Hell, I don't know. It was the year that I began to move back into society, after losing Johnny. Lots of eating out and going places and I just didn't take notice of my eating habits. I probably ate out more than I ever have in the past. I ate more breakfast food. OMG. I was never a breakfast person at all. I skipped it. But no, I ate eggs and sausage and biscuits. I baked too much. And now I am paying for it. Also, I ate a lot of chocolate, which someone said was my way of dealing with moods. Could be true! However, right now it doesn't matter. I have to watch what I eat and exercise more. Cook more. No sweets in the house. Normal things you do when you want to drop several pounds.
My writing is going good. I love my story, my writing is stronger than ever, and I'm confident that I know what the hell I am doing. It's just slow work. Big novels are difficult because of the time needed to write a very complex structure that is outside my comfort zone. I only average about 4 pages a day when working and I don't write on the novel every day anymore. Five pages when working is the limit. I actually stop when I achieve that, which is a new way of writing for me. No matter how I feel or how exciting the writing is going, I stop at five pages and I go do something else. I get out of the chair and out of my head and out of the story. This is a new way of thinking about writing and work. But it's been so awesome for me as a person. It is something that has eliminated backaches, headaches, carpal tunnel, spinning thoughts, exhaustion, and increased anxiety cycles. I'd like to thank my therapist for telling me that I needed to write slow and careful. Laughing. I never count words at all and I do not draft loosely. It's never been helpful for me to write a shitty draft and all that. That way of writing has never worked for me. Drafts like that I never end up using. Those drafts just seem to be a way of thinking a story out and they are lost as I write a whole new draft. And then that shitty draft cycle is repeated as my thoughts change and the story develops. What a mess! Just years of nothing. I now do a lot of work along the way, and I revel in the slow motion of that gorgeous process. Oh, live and learn....
I still consider myself a widow who is grieving a lost friend, lover, and husband. I think it's forever unless I fall in love again or get involved in a new relationship, two things I am not seeking. I was married for a very long time and now I just want to paint, garden, and finish some stories. But it's not easy being alone, doing everything yourself, and keeping yourself out of sour and low moods. I tend to go into depressions easy. But I've had therapy and realize how quick my moods can go flat. I no longer take antidepressants, something I did for almost two decades. I live drug free now. I guess that might help explain some of the weight gain, because depression and Prozac killed my appetite. Winters are usually very hard on me emotionally. I dislike winter. But I have had the best winter since before my father died in early January of 2007. I feel enlightened in a way, that I am so aware of how mentally to stay healthy now. This probably has a lot to do with Buddhism and meditation, something I became interested in a long time ago and now practice daily. I feel really good about where I am at in my life. But I do miss Johnny. He was an incredible person. But he's gone, and I understand how precious life is and how truly wonderful every day can be. There is value to suffering. It gives you perspective, a view far from your personal privilege. I've known a lot of it. But I am not undone by it.
I didn't make goals on the New Year. I never do anymore. I wait till February is over before I start thinking about new things. March is really spring in the South. I now start working in the yard, thinking about my flowers and other plants. I exercise a lot more. I am out of my head a lot, which is a very good thing. My goals are really not too impressive this year. I just want to write a really good draft of this novel in 2020, one that I can actually revise and feel like it's going to be finished soon. That's all. I want to write new poems and revise some very old ones. I have a lot of paintings to finish and many art projects, so that is where my head is. I think overall, I just want to stay healthy, keep doing the things I enjoy, and be content.
And lose this weight! Smiling.
