It's July, people!

Wow!  July is here, already the 7th of the month. Time flies when you are having fun. I suppose time flies when you are miserable too. Ben came today and he mowed the yard and he and I worked for nearly three hours in the backyard, cleaning up. It was hot and I think it felt somewhere around 100 degrees out in the sun. I had to stop two or three times, drink water and rest. Getting old. After he left, the heat was really oppressive and one of those storms blew up. The rain poured for another hour. I've had a good start to the month if now an awkward one. Too much going on, too many things fluttered around my head, that antsy feeling I always get when I want something to be done before it is done and I know I am just going to have to be patient.  So grateful that I have survived depression and am drug free. I keep posting this because I don't like chemicals  messing with my head, even when I know they are doing the right things. I just don't. And now I am free of them and still doing very well. I have to keep a close eye on my moods, how I sleep, and how I handle stress. It all looks good.

I bought a nice camera and some lens. The lens are everything and the most expensive things. I am interested in low light photography at the moment. I want to do some interiors with people. I want black and white. I researched it for nearly a year because I wanted to do what some film people do with a digital camera. So many people were helpful in buying the right tools to do this. Not the most expensive, the ones that worked for me, a beginner. Pleased so far. Lots of practice.

The novel is going good. Kind of scary. So many years of trying and lots of failures. Now that I am moving along without too much fuss, it's kind of scary. But it's not so much work that it feels bad or overwhelming. I can deal. I have another couple projects working side by side. Nothing ambitious as the novel and it's all good. Not too much work. Not a form of procrastination either. 

I miss Johnny. I've been alone so much of this year due to C-19. Not having my loved ones around more makes me miss him, but I am not too weepy or sad. He's been gone for nearly four years now. I am used to sleeping alone. I am used to doing everything alone. I know I am alone.

Listening to Placebo's Loud Like Love right now. Molko has worked for sincerity here. He's still rootless. He's still a bit sad as ever. He's still alone, too. I wonder if he is like that now?  If he is still as rootless as ever? It's 2020. Soon we will have new music and I'll be able to hear it, if the rootlessness is still there.

Ben and I ended our day with a serious talk on politics, the nature of fascism in our country and how people are so divided. I could only think of how fragile everything really is. Because of my childhood in the South, I've never really believed in American Exceptionalism. Oh, I know we have done good things. But we are still a wild and highly reactive political beast. I've given all my children a free press to move, knowing I would not. Of course, Ben and I are realists. We are not cynics, but we have a good sense of what is happening. It's troubling. It's all troubling.

I thought about love today. Real love.