I am feeling low.

 

Painting by

Ion Vincent Danu

Enslaved By Your Roots

This is not the first time I have written about changes. Since 1998, my life, nearly every single year, has been one of major change. Not small things, though I have voluntarily made those, too, but very big emotional things like careers, and marriages, and illnesses, and deaths and those involuntary things that happen to us if we live long enough and love enough. In his incredible book, Life is in the Transitions, Bruce Feiler calls these "Life Quakes" or as I call them, "The Big Assaults On My Stability." I have experienced an unusual amount of them. Nothing is to be done, but how I react. I learned this the hard way at first, and then I mastered a method to deal with crisis so that I could exist AKA How we make meaning in times of change. I am there again, right in the middle of making seriously big creative changes. I did not expect it. Of course, it is never expected. It, this THING, this DISRUPTOR, began last November, though it was probably dormant before that. Who knows? Doesn't matter. Much of it is rooted in me, in various ways, hence the painting. We are all rooted in ways we cannot fully understand, physically, environmentally, and yes mentally. This DISRUPTOR has been of my own making and now I must endure by unmaking it in what ways I can. I will never fully unmake it. I will have to endure its existence to a certain point.

It's going to be chronic.

I am quite familiar with the "chronic."  But I do not like it.

So while I know what to do physically (this is very hard work). It's the mental issues that are going to drag me down. It's the emotional fallout, and today I wondered if I should go back on Prozac and if I do, what dosage. It's not like I have not been here, in this exact place, previously. So I have written it here on my blog because this is a major decision that will affect everything else in my life, especially my creativity. But if I fall into an anxiety/depression cycle, things could get bad, and guess what, I am feeling low right now. I keep journals. I know when I am winding down. It's been over six months and the downward spiral is really clear.

I'll have to choose at some point. But not today. But the choice is there.

Update: NO PROZAC. No sleep.